Sunday, March 18, 2007

Top 10 Reasons I didn't start a MySpace Account

If I had a dollar for every time I had a person say to me, either in person or online, "Hey John, you should start a MySpace account--it would probably be really cool, LOL!" I would probably have about $57. When someone says that to me, I normally go on a spiel very similar to what I wrote below. Invariably though, when I go on such a spiel, I forget some very important reasons why I won't ever start a MySpace account. Thus, I will indulge you and give you ten reasons why I never created a MySpace account.

10. People got hurt as a direct or indirect result of the site.

This reason clocks in at number ten simply because it has never affected me personally. Of course, for some of the victim's families (say the parents of the girl depicted in this article), this would probably be the top reason.

9. Most of the shitty backgrounds users choose

A shitty background would not be such a problem in itself, except that it renders the ubiquitous guestbooks postings unreadable. This probably occurs so often because users feel they must update the background of their profiles in order to engage their site readers. I'm not saying this problem is present on every myspace profile, but you'd be hard-pressed not to find hard to read text in at least one out of ten profiles. To give you an example of exactly what I'm talking about, check out the photo below:

8. The phrase "Social Networking" makes me want to punch someone in the face.

The word networking in itself is annoying, because we all had to hear about how going to the job fair "to network" was such a great idea, as if people were just these mindless nodes that only became something when they were a part of some workforce gestalt. When you add the word social to modify this already annoying word, it's as if you're conceding that you're too much of a loser to make friends "the old-fashioned way" (yeah, that's right, actually initiating a conversation with someone before reading their profiles and chatting with them for a year). I could digress for quite a while about how much I hate this phrase, but I'll spare you.

7. Shitty Music

Part of the beauty of most web pages lies in the fact that you can be listening to some of your own music while you consume them. This is not the case with MySpace profiles--no, you're the victim of whatever whims of shitty music the user has chosen for you. Sure, you can turn it off, but that's after the ten minute load time.

6. Too Much Bullshit

For this reason, I think a picture is worth 1,000 words. Let's direct our attention to Figure 1 below:

Figure 1: Too Much Bullshit (Click on Figure to Expand)

Note that the figure above is only a fraction of a typical user's page. How many stupid things can you cram onto a single page? MySpace profiles are an ADD-afflicted person's dream. It's not just that there are so many distractions on each user's page, it's also that each one of them has no real content whatsoever. From mindless guestbooks posts to exhibitionist photos, the profiles are truly meaningless.

Here's something to consider: less is more. Let's take an example of one web page you might have heard of to illustrate my point:

Does this site look familiar? Do you hear any stupid music or get bombarded by slide shows when you go to this site? 'Nuff said.

5. I Don't Care What Johnny Football Star is Doing (or professing to be doing) Now

There's a reason why you don't talk to most of the people you went to high school with--you don't have anything in common anymore (not that you ever did except for the fact that you were corralled into a place where you were supposed to be learning something). Leave well enough alone, let it go!

The world would be much friendlier if people would forget about those they knew and move on to meet new people. In the words of the fake Kurt Vonnegut commencement speech: "Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on."

4. I'm Not Interested in Online Dating

I know MySpace is supposed to be about "social networking," as I mentioned earlier, but the reality is many people start profiles just to hook up with people. There are many other sites dedicated to this, but of course you have to pay for their services. I guess you can think of MySpace as a poor man's adultfriendfinder.com.

3. Each Page Takes Too Long to Load

I have a broadband connection that downloads up to about 5Mbps, which loads anything almost instantly, yet the typical MySpace profile takes minutes to load. I theorize this is because of reason number 6 presented earlier, but I could be wrong. If people wouldn't embed so much stupid shit onto one web page, this wouldn't be a problem, but whatever.


2. Empty Communication

99% of guestbook posts consist of something like "OMG, I haven't talked to u in forever, LOL! How r u doin!"

And then nothing. No response from the creator or the person who initiated the great post. It's as if the creator is gloating that someone wanted to talk to them.

You might be asking yourself why I ranked this reason so high? It's just that the above is present on every MySpace profile and it seems to be the big result of such a pointless endeavor.


1. After Carefully Considering the Word "MySpace," and Thinking About What the Site Really Is and What It's Used For, It's Evident That It's Nothing More than an Unsafe Website that is Tailored for Self-Fulfillment, Exhibitionism, Opportunists, and People Who Can't Let Go of the Past.

1 comment:

laura said...

hahaha i cant stand myspace never ever seen the point of them if you want to make friends then go out and actually talk to people face to face not behind a computer screen.i only just made a facebook account because a close friend of mine talked me into it and i must admit for a while i was slighty addicted but now only really use it for talking to the guy who is now my boyfriend beacuse he works away and is the only way i can communicate with him, plus i will add useless facts onto my staus every now and then....but yeah good wrap up :)